


Give Me Back Control

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 11:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11274603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: Set once Liv comes home, and Robert feels out of control as Rebecca's pregnancy progresses. He can't cope with it, and tries to hide his increasing problems from Aaron...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning of eating disorders here, but I hope it reads well. Two chapters I expect.

 

Robert couldn’t say what exactly started it off, when it started. He knows it was soon after Liv came home, the same week that Rebecca found out she was having a girl. _They_ were having a girl, and Robert feels completely out of control. His life is spinning somewhere he has no say over. Liv hates him, Aaron’s leaving him (he says he isn’t but God, it’s just a matter of time), he’ll lose his house, his home, and everything he wanted that made him feel like he belonged. All for something he didn’t really want in the first place, and he’s out of control. It’s the stress that makes him forget to eat. Anxiety, fear. The feeling that his entire life is outside his control right now. Nothing’s good, nothings working. And he never feels hungry. It's only missing a meal here and there. What’s the point, right?

* * *

He has constant anxiety. Whenever he sees Rebecca in the street, he’s reminded of what he did. Her stomach’s growing now, it’s impossible to hide it, and she’s glowing. Pregnancy actually does agree with her, and Robert can’t seem to escape her. Aaron doesn’t mind, or he says he doesn’t but of course he does. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t be coping the way Aaron is. He can just imagine all the things that are simmering under the surface that Aaron won’t say. They love each other, but what if it’s not enough? What if Aaron leaves him like everyone else ever has and will?

Robert sits in the café, waiting for a bacon sandwich. He doesn’t eat breakfast at home, because he can’t cope with Liv’s scowls this early in the day, the fact he let her down so badly on top of everything else. The guilt rolls over him again. “There you go!” Bob says cheerfully, delivering the plate. At that moment Rebecca walks in, with Vic, both stop chatting when they see him.

Rebecca’s pregnant stomach obvious, condemning. Suddenly the smell of fried bacon isn’t appetising any more. The hole in his stomach is more comforting, more appropriate than filling it. He pushes it away. He’ll skip breakfast today.

* * *

 

Skipping breakfast becomes a habit, not a one off. He indulges in coffee. Coffee keeps him going until lunch. Caffeine and gnawing emptiness. That’s enough.

* * *

 

A long meeting means he misses lunch one day. He’s starving, surprised Aaron can’t actually hear his stomach growling from across the dinner. But the hollowness has been his companion throughout the day. And it feels bad, negative, but that’s what he deserves. He needs to feel this pain, something that makes sense in this world of his, because nothing else does.

* * *

 

Robert only eats when Aaron’s present. He has to, he can’t let Aaron know anything’s wrong. He doesn’t deserve to worry about things like this. Small inconsequential things. So he skips a few meals. So what?

* * *

 

He blacked out at work the other day. Only for a few seconds, and no one noticed, Nicola being on the phone, but it happened. The black spots swimming at the edge of his vision an uncomfortable reminder. But he can’t bring himself to eat, he can’t bring himself to fail. And that’s what it’s come to feeling like, failure. Because eating almost feels like giving in. He’s so out of control about everything in his life right now, even the people he loves the most hate him, Vic, Liv, Rebecca, the baby, Aaron, always Aaron at the front of his mind, it’s all falling apart, but this? This he can control.

* * *

 

Aaron notices the fact that he’s losing weight. He teases him in bed one night, running his fingers down the lines of his ribs, which are nearer the surface these days. He’s not in shape. Not like the rugby players Aaron used to go for, not like anyone Aaron could have if he wanted to. The people he deserves, who could make him happy. But he has lost a bit of fat and it notices.

“Are you on a diet and you haven’t told me?” Aaron teases.

“No, just being careful,” Robert says, covering, hoping he can hide it. “Can’t eat like I’m a teenager any more, you know?”

“You getting all body conscious on me?” Aaron says with a smile. Robert doesn’t argue, can’t. It would take that gorgeous smile off his husbands face, and that’s more than he can cope with. Aaron needs happiness. Aaron slides his hand down Robert’s back, caressing his arse. “Oh, you have lost weight.” No, this won’t do. Aaron’s looking at him all concerned and serious.

“Got to keep in shape,” Robert says. “You’ve got a six year advantage, I want to be with you for as long as possible.” Aaron looks like that’s really sweet, and it makes the lie, the cover up more than worth it.

* * *

 

He needs food. Can’t deny the gnawing hunger deep in the pit of his stomach, and it’s all he can think about right now. Can’t even hold a conversation with Liv properly, though she doesn’t hang around for it anyway. A slice of toast wouldn’t hurt. No, that would be fine. The smell of the bread as it warms through isn’t appetising. When did food become a struggle? When did fresh bread stop filling the house with a scent he loved? When did all this become a challenge?

It pops up, and Robert doesn’t butter it, doesn’t want it to taste good. This is something he needs, not something he has to enjoy. He chews slowly, it feels like sandpaper. When he swallows he can feel the weight, the way it sits in his empty stomach, and he has to force the rest of it down. He’s only got a couple of bites left when Aaron comes in, all smiles and snatches the toast from him, swallowing it in one. Or it seems like it. Robert doesn’t complain, he was struggling anyway. But that cheeky smile of his husbands, that is worth anything.

* * *

 

At dinner, Robert’s struggling. The food, he can swallow, but it’s dry, tastes like ash. Every forkful is a serious strength of will and he doesn’t want to eat it, no matter how much his stomach is begging him for it. He can’t. Instead he spends more time pushing his food around his plate. Aaron’s finished his in thirty seconds or so. Or that’s what it seemed like to Robert when it takes such a strength of will to keep eating.

“Are you under the weather?” Aaron asks gently. He cooked. Aaron cooked for them both, it’s selfish to not eat the food Aaron made for him. But he feels unable to. “You love steak and chips.”

“Yeah, I…” _Lie, lie, lie,_ the mantra swims through his mind. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m not hungry. I don’t mean to…”

“It’s all right,” Aaron says easily. “I’m not going to leave you because you don’t fancy chips.”

“No,” Robert says. He reaches across the table and squeezes Aaron’s hand, the smooth ring a counterpoint in the world. That is a focus, Aaron’s here. Focus on that.

* * *

Robert’s legendary sex drive has vanished. He can’t have sex, doesn’t want it any more. Sex with Aaron had been patchy since he’d told Aaron the truth about Rebecca anyway. So at first it isn’t noticeable, the lack of sex drive. Even if Robert did want it, he couldn’t risk Aaron seeing him. Not any more, he’s losing too much weight. His ribs are now prominent, his stomach having vanished. His thighs have slimmed down, so the jeans he wears are looser, not as tight across the muscles that he’s losing. And Aaron loves his thighs, just another thing to add to his list of failures.

* * *

He blacks out again at work, this time for almost a full minute. And he’s shaking. When did he last eat? Last night? No, Aaron was at a school thing with Liv, so he’d skipped forcing fork fulls of food that tastes like nothing down him. So the night before? Probably, but it wasn’t much, throwing away the second sandwich when Aaron was distracted by Liv.

Robert looks in Aaron’s draw, finds an old Mars bar. Doesn’t want to eat it, it’s heavy, but the shaking hands won’t stop. And he can’t risk Aaron finding out that he’s falling apart completely. Aaron's the only thing keeping him going. So he forces it down, feeling sick with himself for succumbing to the need, for stopping the emptiness. But the shaking stops. That will do.

The Mars bar makes him feel sick for the rest of the day. He doesn’t eat the next day either, living on coffee, running on caffeine and adrenaline. It’s unravelling, he knows it is. Liv’s looking at him side on these days, like she’s figured something out. Like he’s hiding something. Aaron’s noticed that Robert’s snapping, but he thinks it’s the stress of the baby, the Rebecca situation. He tells Liv to leave it alone, and Robert’s grateful. Or he would be if the entire hollowness of his body isn’t all he can think about.

* * *

 

“Something’s wrong with Robert,” Liv says, unable to ignore it any longer.

“He’s stressed,” Aaron replies. “Leave him alone.”

“He’s snapping, he’s shaking and he looks like he’s falling apart,” Liv continues.

“I don’t want to push him,” Aaron says. “He’s been through enough.”

“ _He has_?” Liv questioned. “What about you?”

“He’s been thinking about me lately,” Aaron says. “We’ll get through it Liv, trust me.” the words are echoing around the kitchen, when they hear what sounds like an earthquake. They both turn and see Robert having fallen down the stairs. He’s fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Robert wakes up slowly, feeling disorientated and in pain. Things smell strange, and he knows he isn’t at home. The last thing he remembered was getting dressed after a shower. A shower that had drained him, because the movement and coordination required had felt too much. And now he was in hospital, the regular machinery beeping in the corner and the uncomfortable bed told him that much. His head throbbed above his left eye, and his throat felt raw.

“Hey, look at me.” Aaron. He turned in the direction of the voice and saw his worried and very tired looking husband. _This is your fault. You did this to him,_ the guilt says.

“Hi,” Robert says. “What happened?”

“You fainted,” Aaron says. “You fell down the stairs and cut your head. You’ve got a couple of stitches there because it was bleeding a lot." A pause. "I felt your ribs under your shirt.” Robert sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. Aaron knows. Maybe not the extent of it, but he knows enough. Robert touches his face, his nose, feeling something plastic. “No, don’t,” Aaron says gently, pulling his hand away.

“What is it?”

“It’s a NG tube,” Aaron says, looking broken, but holding his hand anyway. “It’s… leading into your stomach and giving you nutrition. You need it,” he adds firmer when Robert looked appalled. “I can count every rib on your body, Robert. I can see your hips pressing against skin. When you were admitted, they were worried about heart problems. Rob?! You’re thirty one and they’re worried your hearts going to give out!” The tears in Aaron’s eyes just make him feel even worse.

“Aaron, please…” Robert starts weakly.

“You’ve been lying to me for months about the fact you’re not eating,” Aaron says harshly. Robert knows it’s from worry, he knows that. And yet it hurts, because it’s another of his failures. “Why?” Aaron asks, seeming desperate. “You didn’t need to lose weight, you were perfect as you were.”

“It wasn’t about losing weight,” Robert says surely. He thought he had it under control, but as he’s proved he didn’t, that he knows. "It was never about dieting."

“What was it about then?” Aaron asks gently.

“It got out of hand,” Robert admits. “I just needed… something.”

“What?” Aaron asks quietly. “Am I not good enough?”

“No!” he says loudly. “Of course you are. I… everything was falling apart. Rebecca, the baby, you, Liv hating me, me hating me, I needed something to hold onto. And it was just skipping a meal here and there at first, until…”

“Until it wasn’t,” Aaron says, shaking his head. “How did I not notice? How did I miss it?”

“I hid it from you,” Robert says, because this isn’t Aaron’s fault. None of it.

“Your wedding ring’s loose,” Aaron says. Robert already knows this, he’s been careful not to lose it. “You need help.”

“No, I’m fine,” Robert says. “Just pushed it too far. I’ll be fine.”

“You have a feeding tube in your stomach,” Aaron points out bluntly. “A tube they had to get my explicit permission for because it’s ethically questionable.”

“I’ll eat,” Robert promises.

“If it were that easy for you, you would be eating at home,” Aaron says. “You need help, that’s not a problem, but you need it.” He’s speaking gently, but it sounds like failure, the one thing he can’t cope with. “You’re going to be a dad in a matter of weeks. How has it got this bad?”

“I just… I’m sorry,” Robert says. “I can’t help it.”

“No, I know that,” Aaron says. “Look, the doctors given me loads of numbers for people who can help you, and we’re going to get through this. Together.”

“Yeah?” Robert asks quietly. “I didn’t mean for it to get this far, I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” Aaron says. “We’ll get you help. It will get better.”

“You’re going to leave me, I’m a mess,” Robert says, almost whimpering with it.

“I am not leaving,” Aaron says firmly. “Even if I wanted to, seeing you collapsed on the floor…” Aaron tails off. “I can’t leave you, Robert. I love you too much, too much to allow you to starve yourself to death.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Robert says. Though the look on Aaron’s face tells him that’s the wrong thing to say. “I’ll… get help.”

“You will,” Aaron says. “And I’m never going to let you lie to me and hide from me again.” Aaron kisses him very softly. They are only interrupted when the doctor comes in, starts spilling a lot of different treatment options. And Robert knows it’s going to be a long road back. But Aaron’s still here, holding onto his hand. He needs Aaron by his side, the thought of losing him, well, Robert can’t cope with it.


End file.
